Guesty finally got off his ass and decided to write a review for a game that came out months ago. Isn’t that nice of him? This game crawled out from under the woodwork, much like Guesty after his four day bender of drinking nothing but Mountain Dew he bought from a man in a grey van in some car park. We’re all a little worried about him. Read his review so we can convince him to go cold turkey from the “Dew.”
Our Max Payne 3 review looms ardently into the bullet and alcohol-splintered centre stage as Rob sits down with Rockstar’s third entry into this legendary series to have a good, hard chat with it. In slow motion too. He’s still there. It’s going on forever. Get inside and find out what we thought of Max’s Brazilian excursion!
FINALLY, we finished it. And finally we’ve managed to pen something that bares some sort of familiar reference to a fully-fledged, unabashed REVIEW. And what’s more, we’ve done it with NO SPOILERS. Yep, they’re coming later, when we take a closer look at that chin-waggery ending, but for now, dive right into our misty eyed reminisce of the time we poured into ME3 and find out if YOU should play it! Wop!
Once Guesty finally finished frothing at the mouth, we sat him in the office and beat some words out of him. The first were all pretty much indistinguishable gargles, then after a month or so he started actual words, but preceded every one with Holy- something or other. Eventually he strung a coherent sentence together and BANG. Here we are. Check out what we think of Rocksteady’s follow up to the stunning Arkham Asylum, have they kept a tight hold of that prestigious gaming crown, or has the Penguin gone an’ ‘ad it!? FIND OUT HERE AND SUCH.
Guesty dips a foreboding toe into the LATEST of the Lego games, this time they’re digitally plasticising good ol’ Captain Jack Sparrow, and all of his pirate friends. Does he like it? Is it any good? Have Lego games finally dropped the ball? Were they ever even carrying it?? We definitely doubt it. OR DO WE? Find the answer to all of this and much less, inside.
You best start believing in reviews Miss Swan, you’re reading one. (Or you will be momentarily, providing you click the picture. Go on. It’s right there)
We take a look at DUKE NUKEM: FOREVER, and before we can make puns about the Forever in that name, you should start reading. Because nobody likes over-used puns. Is Duke REALLY the unmitigated, life-ruining disappointment everyone seems to think it is?? Or did we already know all that? Rob questions why Duke Nukem: Forever made you all so mad. That’s right, you. You there.
Finally our Portal 2 review soars unwittingly onto your eyes, before accidentally portalling through the floor and coming out of the ceiling, beginning an endless, mesmerizing plummet into mind-numbing repetitiveness. Have Valve done it again? Could there be a realm where games better than Portal 1 really exist? Will there be a resultant overbearing tidal wave of internet memes?? READ WHAT WE THINK!!
We finally get to grips with this year’s most promising shooter so far. If you’re bored of testosterone encumbered shrieks of ‘Revive me!’, or mindless repetitive deathmatches, Brink is the one to set those lenses on! OR IS IT!?? Read Rob’s thoughts on Bethesda’s class-based TF2-alike FPS!
GO ON THEN!
Rob gets his teeth stuck into Gran Turismo 5, a million billion years in development, successor to the most popular racing series since Jeremy Clarkson: The Game, an undoubted spectacular performance! Is it everything we hoped for and more? Is it better than that new car smell? READ THIS AND KNOW EVERYTHING. Sort of.
Rob finally gets off his face and reviews Assassin’s Creed: Brotherhood. We were amazed he finished it at all. So is Brotherhood a quantic leap across the renaissance Italy skyline for the franchise, or is it a trip and fall from the rooftops, narrowly missing a stack of hay and breaking its legs on a market stall. All that and less inside!