So, like many of you XCOM owners out there, a copy of the Evolve big alpha test was rammed gratuitously into my Steam library at the weekend, and similarly again, I decided to make a terrible video! First of all, you should watch it. And then I’ll go ahead and get to the apologies.
Did you watch it or did you just skip here? I bet you just skipped here didn’t you, you cad. It’s fine. Maybe it’ll be better if you know this preemptively. If you followed the rules, well done, here’re some hastily cobbled together excuses!
- > There were loads of loading screens in which my seemingly endlessly incoherent rambling momentarily became in the slightest way poignant, however I had to cut them out, else it would just be you staring at a loading screen and listening to me witter on; an experience nobody but my most tenacious of friends should be forced to endure. And even that’s only because I don’t really like those guys anyway.
- > Secondly, my brain wasn’t working even a bit. I managed to get all the classes mixed up to an extent that I can’t fathom even now. I’m going to presume I was drunk, and forgot I was drunk before starting this video. Or something.
- > For three, I’m always, always terrible at video games, even when I know them like the back of my face. I decided to start filming before I’d played Evolve even once, which turned out to be a poor decision because I didn’t even know the buttons. Still, if it’s any recompense I’d probably have died just as quickly had I been studying the game for the better part of 72 hours prior. I’m not a multiplayer/team work/other people kinda guy.
- > In at number four, I forgot to turn my Skype off and I couldn’t get my work colleagues to shut the hell up.
- > Lastly, I appear to have really got this murmuring thing down. As if what I was saying wasn’t incomprehensible jargon enough, I’ve even descended into doing so at a frequency only solid objects can detect.
Ultimately, I’m sorry for this entire video, but I’m putting it up anyway because I hate you.
I mean. Mostly.
For the sake of this increasingly terrible website, here’s what I thought of Evolve:
- > It’s great fun, probably more so if you’re good at it or have friends.
- > The maps are dynamic; the verticality gives them a grandeur that is invigorated by the gameplay, as opposed to diminished, due to the human’s jetpacks
- > The monster moves relatively lithely, but it’s not quite as intuitive as it really should or at least could have been. Perhaps this was to create a better sense of comparative scale. Whatever it was, I don’t like it because I got shot a lot.
- > Evolve felt less fun than L4D, but then, I only play L4D with people I know well, so perhaps that had something to do with it. I can imagine it being a balls to wall fuck fest of hilarity in the right circumstance. Maybe. To be honest I don’t even know what a balls to the wall fuck fest of hilarity is so.
- > Will I be getting it? Almost certainly if I can rope other people into it. The core mechanics were solid, and good fun, and the game is clearly trying something new. And I’ll take that over Call Warfare Advanced Modern Ghost Ops any day of the week. It’s out on the 10th of February so, sit on your hands until then you lot.