Didn’t I tell you this year would be great? I did, didn’t I. You might remember it from here, here and here. Okay that last one less so, but I needed a third ‘here’ so. Like it or get out. Mere DAYS ago I sat up with the unblinking self-hatred of a man trying to remove his own eyes with a discoloured copy of James Cordon’s most recent hardback, ‘Why I’m an Insufferable Arse’ and watched, in mouth-agape anticipation, some people stand on a stage and say ‘YES. YOU WERE RIGHT. PLAYSTATION 4 IS A THING. NOW GO HOME PLEASE’. They also said some interesting things about what it does, and in the opening speech, Andrew House, a man dressed like he was trying to sell you your own house, said ‘togay’ instead of today. It was hysterical. Or me and Twitter thought so anyway, it doesn’t even matter what you think. So there.
So whilst I managed to contain my excitement at least to the extent that I’d survive the night without have to prise my shoulders from the ceiling after I rocketed through it in pure adulation, it’s taken nearly a whole week for the news to settle in, good and proper. So what now, what does it all mean?
For one, it means that Sony better start hot-tailing these imaginary machines that nobody’s actually seen to the duplicators because people sure as hell aren’t going to buy as many PS3s as they were before, even if they do now come in Radiation Green or Cat Vomit Yellow, or whatever colours they’ve decided to do it in this week. It also means we’re likely to hear all about Microsoft’s overblown night-light fest pretty soon too. Still, that’s all ahead of us in the great year that will be great as I rightly predicted.
So let’s concentrate on the here and now, shall we? Yes. Let’s. Here are some fun things Respawn learnt about the PS4, conveniently disguised as something you’d actually like to read! Yep, it’s: Things I Like About the PS4.
1) It turns off.
Before you begin audibly scowling and wishing I’d get hit by a slow moving bus, allow me to explain! The PS4 will reportedly be able to go into a low-power state; so rather than having to shut the machine down completely only to turn it back on again moments later when you remember you don’t have any friends and even if you did they wouldn’t want to go for a drink with you, it’ll take THREE SECONDS to come back on, and you’ll resume instantly as if it had been left on, whirring away to itself the whole time. This will be particularly useful because I enjoy leaving my game paused for several hours whilst I eat/sleep/cry, so my final playtime is generally hugely inflated. Or at least that’s what I tell anyone that looks at my final playtime.
2) It downloads things
The Playstation 3 is a great machine if all you really want from your £300 system is a progress bar that you can stare longingly at whilst it crawls with increasing imparity toward completion. If you were after games or, say, ANYTHING ELSE, then you’re right out of luck as it stands. Fortunately, this will no longer be the case with the PS4. The new architecture will allow you to multitask, which not only means you can run, say, a browser and a game at the same time (gasp, faint, etc.) it means waiting in dead silence for those endless firmware updates will be a thing of the past, as the download will run in the background. Purportedly you’ll even be able to play games AS you download them. Cor.
3) It’s got explosions
Loads of them. Apparently. Big ones, small ones, shiny ones, ones that make a loud noise, ones that make an even louder noise, ones that have guns nearby, ones that have people dying nearby, ones that are the direct cause of nearby people dying, and every kind of explosion in between! Which is good news. For some of us. Killzone: Shadowfall looked lovely, but then Killzone has always looked lovely whilst simultaneously being duller than attempting conversation with a strand of Ed Miliband’s hair. Boom.
4) It jams things you might not want into your mouth under the pretence of being lovely.
Sony told us that the PS4 is going to jump the gun, and just start downloading whatever the hell it feels like downloading because it reckons you might like it. Like when strangers tell you to try food. ‘Go on, you’ll love it’ they say, wildly brandishing a spoon populated by a sizeable helping of pig swill in your too-close-for-comfort zone. The PS4 won’t even have to convince you though. It probably won’t even tell you. If you don’t use it for a few days, it’ll download a shit-tonne of hideous pornography and plaster it all over XMB so your girlfriend gets mad. Probably.
5) You can video yourself being terrible at games incase anyone doesn’t already know
For some people, simply being bad at video games isn’t enough. For others, simply being good at games isn’t enough. They have to video themselves doing it, and then dribble into a microphone for hours on end, explaining in excruciating detail exactly what’s going on, the recording of which they no doubt masturbated to immediately after wrapping. Also, you should probably not check out our video section now. PS4 will essentially let you do what OnLive does. You can choose a video clip of your latest game session and upload it straight to YouTube. Hooray.
6) It lets you whisper sweet nothings into your friend’s ear as he plays, steadily becoming increasingly infuriated by your needless distractions
And finally; as part of the controller’s new ‘share’ button, you can spectate your friend’s playing their own games in what is likely the most intrusive feature ever to have been built in to a games machine! Though again, OnLive offered this up to. My only use of this function will be to watch Guesty for hours, until he forgets I’m there, and just as the game gets tense enough, I’ll make some awkward comment about his social life and ruin any illusion of escapism he might have been experiencing. Ah. Self-gratification.
There we have it then boys and girls. All genuine reasons why me and that shiny new, faceless PS4 are going to be the best of pals. Guaran-damn-teed.
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