Hide Your Kids, Hide Your Wallet, The Steam Sale is Here!

It’s all quiet on the Western Front now then, as we sidle on into 2013, nodding respectfully, if cautiously, at Christmas and giving New Year’s Eve the kind of awkward, shy-eyed glance you might afford your ex as you pass her in the street; the good news is of course, 2013 is already looking like a year to be vaguely interested in! What with the next Grand Theft Auto currently dispensing April-related enthusiasm all over our calendar, those tantalizing Metal Gear Solid Ground Zeroes screens and gameplay videos getting us all giddy, and what is practically an indelible, stone-set GUARANTEE (maybe) that we’ll see some sort of new console at some point during the course of the year, we’re hoping 2013 will finally lure us out of this ill-fitting, doe-eyed gaming coma we’ve all managed to lick ourselves into. This year’s been less exciting than a Best Western hotel wardrobe. Honestly, there’s nothing in them. Even if you put something in them first. Or something.

Of course, Christmas is the season to be worried, at least if you’re a PC gamer who owns a wallet or any cash whatsoever; as the industry’s favourite company gets all wacked out on whatever they’ve got lying around the offices and starts dishing their games out for sixpence. Ish. What have YOU bought in the Steam sale, hey? Has it demolished your wallet with the thrusting colossus of an aroused rhinoceros? Well good. Us too. It’s alright, they have therapy groups of this type of thing, don’t they?

The Steam Sale manhandles me into buying games I don’t want or need every time it springs up. The gaming computer is in desperate need of a tune up (and by that I mean, someone needs to buy me a new one, a real one, that exists) and as such, PC gaming tends to happen less and less, whilst the Steam Library increases at a vastly disproportionate rate. Why Valve. Why. I wish I knew how to make people wildly buy things they were well aware they didn’t want or need. Although apparently the banks nailed that with PPI a few years back. Is that the future of Steam?

‘If you’ve been sold digital copies of games that you didn’t want or need, on the sole basis that you loudly exclaimed to an empty room ‘It’d be rude NOT to buy it’ as you merrily clicked the buy button for twentieth time that evening, you could be owed LOTS OF MONEY’. That’s the jist of those adverts isn’t it? If you did something stupid a little while ago, we can abuse that and someone pass ourselves off as a legitimate business!

Luckily, Steam now stock Postal 2. I don’t know what the ‘Complete’ bit is about, because you get absolutely nothing extra with it; perhaps they’ll just start appending COMPLETE to every game they think might not sell so well from now on. I’m holding out for Black Ops III Complete. Anyhow, that game is my childhood right there; and, as a teenager with the ability to digitally remove someone’s head with a spade, urinate on it, and then kick it around like a football, much of the baffling haphazardness that was my younger days suddenly seems quite acceptable. Put into perspective. Maybe. Anyway, if there’s one game that’ll get media even more excited about yet another opportunity to arbitrarily sellotape violent video games on as an excuse for anything bad that has ever happened ever without so much as a second thought to getting the family braincell involved, it’s Postal 2. So buy it, play it, but for the love of Christ don’t tell ANYONE.

Like our resident scribbler Tom, who is more PC orientated than both myself and Guesty put together, if you’ve NOT bought the Valve Complete pack yet, perhaps it’s time to step back and ask yourself if you really are a dog-hating, kitten-punching, knuckle-brained arse sandwich Nazi? You even get DoTa 2 in it now, not to mention CS:GO, and you know, everything else. It should be Steam’s entry point. Purchase this before anything else, or you’re not allowed in. Woo go capitalism!

Lastly, sorry about the knuckle-brained Nazi thing. I just get a little edgy this time of the year. You know how it is. From everyone here at Respawn, we hope you have a bloody awful Christmas! See you hopefully before New Year for our GOTY BITS, but we’re not making any promises. Boom boom pow. AWAAAY!

Author Description

Rob Vicars

Rob is a writer, wearing many hats that do not belong to him. When not scribbling ardently for his games blog Respawn in... 5, he pretends to be a musician, a videographer, a game developer and an alright guy.

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